Divorce Loss Episode 2: In-laws
I don’t know if my experience is normal, because I’ve only been divorced once, but my in-laws literally abandoned me overnight when I moved out. Poof, they were gone. And I don’t just mean gone, I mean blocked. That would be fine if I weren’t the mother of their grandchildren, nieces and nephew, but obviously I am. Is it just me or does that seem completely forked up?
Yeah, I’m still trying to save face and not be too offensive with my language, because I had a lot of respect for them. I’m angry, but behind my anger is sadness and I’m probably hoping that someday things will be different. Regardless of how things went down between my ex and me, I’m still the kids’ mom; I’m not an ax murderer for Christ’s sake, I just didn’t want to live with him anymore. Am I such a bad person for choosing a different path?
Ax murderer or not, I have sinned. And now I shall be punished in the worst way possible – banished. Twenty years of love, holidays and memories extinguished overnight. All of the priceless, handmade gifts became worthless in an instant. I became worthless. The family I once loved and the mother-in-law I spent months with, bonding over our immense love for the babies, suddenly gone. I went from being part of their family to being hated in the blink of an eye. This is one more thing in my divorce that completely forked with me. Honestly, I thought they would understand.
Sinners Never Winners
Did I mention I have sinned? For starters, I left my marriage and marriage is a sacrament, which means rejecting it is a big no-no. People just don’t get divorced. Period. My ex and I both made mistakes in our marriage and mistakes that lead to our divorce, but it feels like I’m the only one to blame. I’m being held solely responsible. I’m not perfect, remember? I think that’s pretty clear, but I wish they would also remember that I poured my heart and soul, my sweat and my tears into saving my marriage for 17 years. Yes, that’s all the years I was married. It was hard. From. Day. One. So, forgive me if I finally had to go.
But forgiveness I have not received. I have received the opposite of forgiveness. My former in-laws set out to punish me, and punish me they have. Their message was loud and clear. Keep your head down, shut up, stay married. We don’t get divorced in this family. Take your shit and get out. Boo, lose my number. Stay in your lane.
Seriously though, where’s the compassion? I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone with my decision, but apparently that point has been ignored. I’m sure I’ve been called selfish and probably a long list of other disparaging things. So I’m wondering, was I supposed to stay married to appease everyone around me? And is that what they wanted for their son and brother? An unhappy marriage?
I might have understood the punishment for a year or so, but you guys, it’s been well over three years. Maybe that’s how these things go, I’m not sure. They too are missing half of the kids’ lives – the half that the kids are with me. I thought I would continue to update them on all of their activities and accomplishments. In the least, I thought I would be able to share photos and memories with them. I’m so forking naive. Wait, I just remembered something. My ex told them to block me. He told them to never speak to me again. That must be why I’ve been banished. Duh.
It’s Forked Up
This is the part where I try to offer a bit of advice to help those of you going through divorce. In an effort to be introspective and accountable, I wonder if my situation would’ve been different had I communicated to my former in-laws throughout the process of my divorce. Maybe I should have been more transparent with them. This is a tough one, because at the time I didn’t want anyone to influence my decision. I already had more guilt than I could handle and I didn’t want to add more disappointment to the already forked up situation. But more importantly, I didn’t want to bash my ex to his family, which made it hard to explain why I was leaving. Saying that he and I “just weren’t a match” sounds like a lame excuse to get divorced, because a lot of people stay married under worse circumstances. That wasn’t very good advice, I know. It’s forking complicated. The whole goddamn thing.
All I can say is that I hope your experience is different than mine was. I hope your in-laws will try to understand your decision. I hope they will love you through the hardest decision you may ever make and love you as the parent of the children should be loved. I hope you’re invited to holiday celebrations, graduation parties, wedding receptions and funerals, because that’s how it should be. I hope you’re forgiven for your mistakes and given compassion for doing the best you could. And if you’re not, well then fork them.
Oh boy! As I’ve experienced this from the in-law, parent, & grandparent side. I’ve, also, been married for 46 yrs. to a not so compliant husband. It’s a complication that would fill a book. We need to talk sometime because we had 3 different circumstances of divorces within a few months of each other that made life very difficult, to say the least! I’ve personally been blocked, screamed at, ignored, had to literally hold them up & keep them alive. This has affected 16 people & we’re finally healing & moving forward after 3 yrs. of hell. I don’t know all of your story, but I’m glad to hear it through your blogs. I feel your situation with the ex’s family says a lot about who they are & their unwillingness to see your side. I wish you happiness, love, peace, & wisdom in the new year ahead.
You’ll go crazy trying to figure out why others choose to live in a small, petty world. As sad as it is you have to choose to rise above that and just do you.
I had a family member that cut off his family after his spouse died. If you didn’t know how she left him you would think they parted in a nasty, fiery divorce. He basically disappeared from his 5 kids’ and 8 grand-kids’ lives immediately after the funeral.
He brought a date to her funeral.
Some people are insanely selfish and just don’t get it. You just have to love them anyway.