Wallflower Riot

Tara/ January 11, 2020/ OLDER STUFF

I grew up with the belief that you just don’t bother anyone with anything, ever. And you definitely don’t put anyone out, for any reason. You don’t ask for help and you don’t give help, because that makes you a nuisance. This behavior was modeled in every action and response I ever saw in my family and it was ingrained in us for as long as I can remember. Here’s what happens when you live with the idea that you should never disturb or inconvenience anyone: you end up disturbing and inconveniencing everyone.

If you think that being a wallflower makes you unnoticeable, you’re wrong. Being indecisive puts the decision-making on someone else. Being a pleaser creates codependency and being passive gives power where power has not been earned. Most of all, not having the ability to graciously accept compliments and help, questions the sincerity of the giver. I totally understand social anxiety, but oftentimes an uncomfortable person in a room can draw more attention than a person who is relaxed. I’m starting to realize that trying to go unnoticed has backfired…might as well start a riot.

So Help Me God

This riot starts with standing up for myself and for injustices, which has been impossible to do when I’ve been so afraid of creating waves. But things are changing around here. The new year and the new decade will be my rowdiest yet. I’ll be setting boundaries, calling bullshit and standing up for myself, all without a single apology. It’s gonna get loud in here. The nod and smile have been replaced with “oh hell no.” If you use the “R word” I’m gonna call you on it; so save us all a little stress and just don’t use it. And if someone says “LGBTQ” and you follow it with “XYZ” – so help me God.

I just can’t sit back and give people permission to be assholes anymore. Go on and block me or exclude me if that’s what makes you feel better. It only adds fuel to my car fire – and gives me writing material. I don’t have time to worry about what you think of me anyway. I’m too busy with my riot. I’m gathering weapons and words to change the world. I’ve got things to say and minds to change. And more importantly, I’ve got a gut to satisfy.

Gut Check

I haven’t been listening to my gut. It’s been screaming truths at me for a long time and I’ve been ignoring it. It’s been making me uncomfortable for far too long. I’ve been trying to please too many people. And constantly trying to please people creates an expectation that they will actually be pleased with me. Well shit, even after all of that effort I’ve still not pleased everyone and most certainly not myself. Here it comes, a revelation in the making: during my marriage I tried desperately hard to keep my ex happy. It was draining and exhausting. The end result was unhappiness for both of us. I was enabling codependency. He became dependent on my pleasing him. I became obsessed with figuring him out and perfecting him. I thought that his behavior was a reflection of my own imperfection and lack of control. What I didn’t realize is that it was wasted effort. I was never going to make him happy. He had to find happiness for himself. And in the process I became lost.

It’s gonna take a lot of work to find myself and probably a lot of self affirmation to overcome my insecurities. I’ve been programmed to be quiet; better not draw attention, especially when you enter a room. And trying to sneak in the side door has prevented things like cheerful greetings and hugs. Wallflowers don’t give a lot of hugs, because of the whole drawing attention and personal space issues. My daughter told me that everyone needs eight hugs a day, so I’ve got a lot of hugs to catch up on. If you have personal space issues you’re gonna have to get over it, because I’m comin’ in with open arms. And I’m just gonna have to get over my fear of awkward greetings. Let’s help each other. Accept my hug, my compliment and my help when I offer it. And I’ll thank you for yours, because questioning a person’s sincerity just makes it awkward for everyone. Agreed?

Yeah, I talk a big game with all of this riot stuff. I still am who I am and I have a lot of work to do, so a lot of this post might be wishful thinking. I try to be a sweet person, so my type of riot might look different than you expect. It probably means that instead of making a scene, I’ll walk away. It means that I may leave the conversation or unfollow you on social media. These actions might seem insignificant to some, but it’s my way of calling bullshit. If I’m feeling really brave I’ll remind you that “you can’t say those things.” And as kind as I may sound, just know that inside I’m throwing Molotov cocktails and setting cars on fire.

This wallflower is about to start a riot. And it’s about fucking time.

Credit to @peaceful_barb for opening my eyes to the truth about codependency.

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3 Comments

  1. First- yay. Nothing more beautiful than a confident woman. Love Peaceful Barb, she throws those truth bombs around like a boss. And I agree, this IS going to be your year. I can’t wait for the biggest, loudest , arm wrapping greeting from you. ❤️ Love you and am so proud of your courage and strength.

  2. Elbows out, Lady. I’m all about your car fire.

  3. Of course I couldn’t go long w/o a comment. I always have an opinion if someone cares to listen. Not wasting my breath otherwise. First, Quiet Riot, I see where you’re at with the growing up not making waves. We do know the same people. Do not express anger, cause a scene, or embarrass anyone. Have control & no bad habits. I grew up feeling I didn’t belong in my family. No one understood my sensitivity. I’ve had to learn to say “no”, one of the hardest words to say. I’ve encouraged my children to speak up & if a person (no matter their prestige-teacher, police, pastor, boss, etc) makes them feel uncomfortable, let someone know. Nothing can be fixed if I don’t know about it. I’ve seen you as ambitious, intelligent, outgoing, high standard type person. I think you’re fine as you are, but still learning & growing w positive changes. Listen to yourself so you’re not drawn into situations to please others. You’re strong w a loving heart.

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