The Subtle Burn of a Gaslighter
For some of you, even seeing the word “gaslighter” will make you shutter. Others may not know what it means. If this is the case, consider yourself lucky – most likely, you’ve also never Googled “emotional abuse.”
Have you gone mad?
For you lucky ones out there who have never researched abuse, I’ll start by explaining gaslighting. In a nutshell, it’s a form of mental manipulation used to make the recipient think they’re going crazy. The concept of gaslighting is unique in that it originated from a play written in 1938. In the play, the husband dims and brightens the lights in the house and when the wife mentions it, he says he doesn’t know what she’s talking about – he suggests that she must be going mad.
Gaslighting is such a complex behavior that an entire play has to be used to describe how abusive it is. The simple words of manipulation or control are not enough. I mean, that’s a good start when describing gaslighting, but then you need to add shame and more shame; also add a heavy dose of belittling and condescension. That will get you close.
I know a little something about gaslighting. And as I write those words, I worry that I’m not allowed to say them. I’m worried I’ll be shamed or harassed for even expressing my feelings and my opinion – I’ll be told I’m crazy for thinking such a thing. I know for a fact that I’ve been gaslighted and have been witness to gaslighting, so why I feel that I don’t have the right to talk about it is proof that it works. The manipulation and control are real. No questions are allowed. Do not challenge him. Do not defend yourself or risk being called “exhausting.” Do not speak up or prepare to be called a victim.
Conversations with a gaslighter, that should be uneventful, can become irrational in a matter of seconds – and confusing. It’s not uncommon for the most irrelevant topic to be turned around on you to make it your fault, and you’re left wondering how you got blamed for someone else’s behavior. Blame is an important component of gaslighting – it’s deflection, and deflection is the basis of gaslighting; as are control and intimidation. It’s all manipulation to try and render a person worthless so they will remain silent. You see, it’s easy to silence me and blame me, because everything really is my fault. Wink.
Setting Boundaries With a Gaslighter
Just set boundaries with the gaslighter, you say? Great idea, but this is nearly impossible. Even having a rational conversation with someone who is used to having control takes a tremendous amount of effort. There’s almost always scolding. If I try to speak up for myself, the result is usually being hung up on. A few times I thought I was making my point and being heard, only to find out that the phone had been set down the whole time I had been talking when I finally said “are you there?” If I get far enough in a conversation to establish a boundary, it will be used as a bargaining chip for later – as if rational behavior is a favor to me.
The abuse that gaslighting creates is intentionally subtle, so the victim has a hard time explaining it, let alone setting boundaries. Confusion is a key component of the exchange. Gaslighting looks like this: it’s deliberately withholding information to create drama, then revealing it at precisely the right moment as if to say “what’s the big deal?;” it’s twisting your words to make you question what you’re trying to say; it’s rolling their eyes; it’s an underlying condescension that makes you feel worthless and knowing if you question the tone, you’ll be told that the words being said are accurate; it’s being asked to do something a certain way, and when you do it that way, it’s still not right; it’s when you decide that the only way to move forward is to offer a sincere apology, but because you’re not worthy of forgiveness, there will be no response; it’s turning a misunderstanding into an opportunity to accuse you of lying; and oh, so many more examples.
It’s the Subtlety that is Maddening
Subtlety is the point, but make no mistake, gaslighting is nothing short of abuse.
Tara Gaffney
As I try to remember specific examples of the gaslighting I’ve been victim to, I find it hard to articulate stories that will convey the feeling of the situation without having to say, “you had to be there.” It can be maddening to try to explain to others what it’s like to live with a gaslighter.
Recalling my memories burns fire up the back of my neck and I realize that abuse doesn’t have to be a story. It’s a feeling. Gaslighting creates a constant state of self-doubt. You train yourself to filter and think hard before speaking in order to minimize conflict. You’ll never win an argument anyway, so why even try.
Avoiding conflict is the only way to survive a relationship with a gaslighter. It’s maddening to think of myself as strong and courageous, and then realize that I’ve allowed this kind of treatment. It’s embarrassing. Why didn’t I stand up and flip that goddamn table over? “Flipping the table” is my metaphor for saying “enough.” But that’s not easy to do when you’re tired and trained – trained to know that nothing will change anyway.
So, WT-actual-F?
You think you know who my gaslighter is, don’t you? Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. Gaslighting can rear its ugly head in any relationship. There are a few methods of gaslighting that are common in many relationships. A classic gaslighting technique is the response of “what the fuck.” So I ask this: is “what the fuck” a question or a statement? If it’s a question, it’s rhetorical. If it’s a statement, it’s condescending. You see, I believe that a person’s feelings cannot be disputed.
Feelings are always true (to the person feeling them) – they’re “owned” by the person. Merely challenging and dismissing a person’s feelings is gaslighting, because it conveys the message that they must be crazy. “What the fuck” is gaslighting, because it’s meant to belittle and shame. It’s dismissive and condescending. It says that the person is overreacting and that their feelings are irrelevant. Gaslighting has no place in any relationship. I’m not saying you always have to agree with another person’s feelings, but invalidating them is never okay.
Flip the Table Over
I highly doubt that what I’ve written here will resonate with my gaslighters, or with any gaslighters for that matter. You see, they probably won’t admit to or even understand that their behavior is abusive – which is exactly what makes them a gaslighter. This article is not for them. It’s for you – the conscientious, reflective, introspective reader.
Overcoming gaslighting starts with recognizing it first, and then by stopping it: do not stand for it; hold the mirror up to the gaslighter by asking revealing questions about their behavior; let them know it’s important to validate your feelings; be clear that their sarcasm, condescension and rhetorical questions are hurtful; demand better treatment; hold them accountable; walk away.
“FLIP THE GODDAMN TABLE OVER.”
This is such a difficult topic – you covered it with grace and strength. Thank you for your continued inspiring work.
This is beautifully written and explains “gaslighting” so well. The victim of emotional abuse becomes so tired and worn down and their self esteem is so diminished that they easily accept the behavior of their abuser. And the subtlety further adds to the ease in which gaslighting is tolerated. Many years ago, when I was in a dysfunctional relationship, I read a book on emotional abuse. I felt that the writer had been in my living room, witnessing my life. Seeing my abuse explained in writing led me to leave my abusive relationship. You will probably never know how much your writing helps other, but you should take pride that you are inspiring others to “flip the table over”.
Thank you Teresa! That all means so much coming from you. Love you!