It’s Not You, It’s Me

Tara/ April 4, 2021/ OLD STUFF

I’ve walked away from relationships – relationships that were important to me, relationships that defined me. Although the reasons varied in each case, I wanted it to be the other person’s fault. I reveled in feeling sorry for myself, which I thought was necessary to rid myself of blame. I put on my victim hat and wore it with pride as if it disguised my indiscretions and excused me from taking any accountability for my role in the demise of the relationship. It was like a badge earned by my girl scout mentality for never doing anything wrong. And I was comfortable believing I did everything I could to save the relationship – the other person just wouldn’t change.

I try to learn from my past. So, in an effort to objectively reflect upon my experiences, I can say that the failure of those relationships is only part of the story. The bigger part is how I responded to the failure. It used to feel like my difficult marriage and my troubled relationships defined me and when given the opportunity to talk about them, I jumped at the chance to defend my case for unhappiness. Those relationships provided an unhealthy comparison of how good relationships should look and I wanted others to hear how horrible it was to be me. That type of response was incredibly unhealthy, not to mention, annoying.

I’m Sorry

In retrospect, I’ve learned that providing pillow talk for others is no badge of honor. I’ve also learned that the reasons some of my relationships have deteriorated is irrelevant. I’m able to acknowledge that I didn’t always respond properly within the relationships and once they were over, I continued to seek out support and justification. Yes, I circled the wagons. For those things, I am not proud.

I’m here to say, “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry that I vilified you and I’m sorry if I ever tried to recruit supporters for my cause. I should have just walked away on my own accord, facing my own consequences. I’m sorry that I needed so badly to blame you. That was unfair.

I take accountability for acting like the victim and for ever speaking unkindly about you – you know who you are. I am a victim no longer.

It’s Not You

The truth is this: it was never you, it was always me.

I was the one who stayed too long and hoped too hard. I was the one who didn’t set boundaries and who didn’t make it clear that I was unhappy. I was the one who remained silent and gave you permission to treat me unkindly. I sat still for too long and listened to too many of your inconsiderate words. I allowed you to make me feel unworthy too many days of my life. I became a rung in the social ladder.

You should be relieved to know that I no longer blame you. I blame myself. You see, I always wanted more – more love, more connection, more inclusion and more kindness. I always knew I deserved better. I should have spoken up and slammed my fist on the table long ago. I should have shouted from the rooftop, “enough!” I should have flipped the goddamn table over. Your hurtful tone and inconsideration should have set me on fire – and your condescension should have ignited a rage in me more powerful than a hurricane. I should have stomped on those eggshells and burned that ladder. I should have chosen ME.

It’s Me

But I didn’t. And so it is, in all relationships destined to fail, I should have recognized sooner that you were never going to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. You were never going to consider my feelings. I should have walked away years before I did. Believe me when I say “it’s not you, it’s me.”

It’s not you I’m looking out for, IT’S ME.

It’s not you I’m protecting, IT’S ME.

It’s not you I’m putting first, IT’S ME.

It’s not you I’m trying to please, IT’S ME.

It’s not you I’m giving power to, IT’S ME.

It’s not you I’m loving, IT’S ME.

It’s not you I’m choosing, IT’S ME. I choose me.

It used to be you. For a long time, it was definitely YOU. Now I can finally say IT’S ME.

#ichooseme

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