The Beautiful Fire That is 50
I’m 50.
There, I said it. And yes, I’m fine. But hitting such a milestone is hard to do without some deep reflection. Also, you know how I am.
I’m reflecting on my first 50 years with nostalgia, joy, gratitude, a little sadness and I admit, some regret. I’m also reflecting on it all knowing I did the best I could. And that with every experience I’ve had, I grew into the person I am today. I have finally grown up, as they say.
When people talk about growing up, they’re almost always referring to the physical change that happens from childhood to adulthood. I am in fact, an adult, but I’m here to tell you that growing up does not stop when you turn 18. As a matter of fact, the real growth happens well into adulthood.
Growth as an adult is even more transformational. It’s the growing up we do on the inside – the beautiful and challenging steps we take to overcome hardship and to become better people. Oftentimes, it happens because life has kicked us in the teeth a few times. It’s that damned adversity which has a way of lighting a spark in us.
The Spark
The spark is always there, even when we’re baby girls – sometimes sitting idle for decades. It’s waiting, ready to light a fire when we’re ready to see it. For some of us, it takes time to find our fire under the wet blanket of rule-following and people-pleasing. For others, they are thrust into adulthood by way of childhood trauma, and that spark lights up early.
Either way, it usually happens when something pours gasoline onto the pile of complacency and manipulation. The spark catches fire and it begins to smolder into questions and desires. It starts to burn a little – but in a good way. The burn is necessary to wake us up – especially if we’ve become numb to the condescension and abuse.
People like me, who ignore the blisters for years, cover them with ointment and band aids just hoping they will go away. Inevitably, they’re ripped open time and time again, until we realize that the wound has become too deep to heal. And that no amount of medicine can make it better. We finally decide to step away from that which is burning us on the outside and focus on what lights us up on the inside. It can take a long, long time. It can take decades.
The Smoldering
There’s a certain “coming of age” that happens as a woman turns 50. It starts with a slow transformation through her 40’s when she starts to question things – when she realizes that life is both beautiful and horrifying at the same time. It starts when she begins to put it all together. It can smolder deep in her belly until something powerful ignites it into a raging windstorm of hot, forceful energy.
That’s when she starts to realize some of the most important things in life: some people will never change and it’s not our responsibility to change them; we are, in fact, only responsible for our response to the madness and for our own happiness. That’s when she will finally choose herself.
Yes, these are things the experts have been saying for years, but it can take time for us optimists and pragmatists to understand the irrationality of personality disorders, unkindness, ignorance and lack of introspection. And when we do, we are fucking done. We’re done with unkindness. We’re done with bullshit judgments. We’re done with conflict-avoiding, cowardly, blaming people. We’re done with gaslighting and condescension. We’re done with indecision.
Shades of Grey
Those decisions I used to waffle on, considering the implications to my social status and worrying about offending someone, are no longer hard to make. If it doesn’t enhance my joy, honor my integrity and enlighten my perspective, I don’t do it. Period.
I used to operate in the grey, not really taking a stand on anything important, allowing others to dictate my happiness. As I turn 50, I finally see that for me, there are no more shades of grey – smoky, foggy, cloudy or otherwise.
But it seems that I have traded my internal grey for external grey. Yes, my hair is turning. The transformation felt inside of me, has given way to an external transformation. It’s some sort of twisted trade off from the Universe – we become the beautiful, confident, emotionally intelligent person we have always wanted to become on the inside, and are simultaneously confronted with the challenge of accepting our inevitable aging on the outside.
It’s then that we need to find a balance: rage against the external machine and soften towards the innermost machine. It’s then that we need to find comfort inside our skin and outside our skin, at the same time – spending more time on the continuous work of becoming really fucking awesome humans and less time worrying about what to wear or what to decorate next.
It’s then that we finally see through the materialistic priorities of the world – and it becomes so incredibly clear. Style is the energy, the confidence, the kindness and the humility a person carries – not just the Louis Vuitton bag over their shoulder.
Style is more than what you wear, it’s who you are.
Tara Gaffney
The Fire
The beautiful fire that is 50 is an explosive, yet peaceful surrender to life. It’s when she stops with the petty bullshit and finds her voice to say “go fuck yourself” to the haters and the gaslighters. It’s when she flips the table over, spilling the obligatory milk that was so carefully poured into three identical cups, and watches with joy as the tuna casserole shatters on the wood floor. It’s when she says with clarity and honesty, “if I hear condescension one more time I will pack my fucking bags.” And she does.
She chooses peace, desire and happiness. She chooses herself above all else.
Look, getting older isn’t easy for anyone. I’m not going to pretend that I always look in the mirror at my eye bags or crows feet and count the times I’ve smiled; or at the wrinkles on my hands and see a life well-lived. And my neck – Jesus Christ, my neck!
Yes, my outside beauty may be fading, but there’s something even more amazing growing inside. It’s a firestorm of internal joy and strength. It’s a firestorm of peace and surrender. And it’s more beautiful than ever.
It’s a fine fire, this age of 50.
Looks like a girl but she’s a flame
So bright she can burn your eyes
Better look the other way
You can try but you’ll never forget her name
She’s on top of the world
Hottest of the hottest girls
Alicia Keys
Great content! Keep up the good work!