Divorce Loss Episode 6: My Mind

Tara/ October 17, 2020/ DIVORCE LOSS 6 - THE MIND

Welcome to another episode of divorce loss. Cue scary music: dun…dun…dun. Yes, I’m anxious to get through this depressing series too, but it’s still important that I touch on every aspect of loss that comes from divorce. I want you to be prepared and to learn from my loss if you’re considering joining this not-so-exclusive club. In this episode we’ll talk about the emotional and sometimes physical toll that comes with divorce – we’ll talk about how I lost my damn mind.

I originally started this piece in third person and thought, holy shit I really have lost it. It’s excessive, the toll that divorce takes on the mind. I started over – because I’m no poet. I’ll spare you all the lyrical sonnets about my emotional struggles. Besides, it’s more my style to just lay it all out here. So, here it is. Please don’t judge.

I want to make an important disclaimer before I get to the oversharing. This post is not meant to make light of mental illness. My struggle is real and partially diagnosed. I know the difference between sharing real pain and exaggerating emotional struggles in order to fit in or to get a laugh – that is not my intent. This is my truth.

The mental anguish that comes from divorce is real. And it’s been so debilitating at times, that I honestly thought I might crack. I felt like I was going crazy – and I don’t say that lightly. I felt as insane as insane can be. I would be institutionalized if I shared some of the dark thoughts I’ve had since walking away from the life I knew for nearly 20 years. Divorce in itself, creates an overwhelming sadness that almost can’t be described. And when you deliberately choose the path of family destruction…the guilt, the shame and the anxiety are off the charts – it is self-inflicted suffering. In my case, the shame has been exacerbated by the combination of a pleaser personality and an angry ex. My guilt and sensitivity made me vulnerable to harassment. Let me repeat that: my guilt and sensitivity made me vulnerable to harassment. I’m not trying to play the victim here, just trying to acknowledge my willingness to participate in drama by way of my guilt and sensitivity. That was no bueno.

If I want to get really deep into the accountability, I’ll admit that I probably stepped into the punch – the other kind of “leaning in.” During the moments when I was feeling the most guilt, I would reach out to my ex, knowing I would be put in my place. And it helped me. It justified my decision and satisfied my obligation of equal suffering. Being harassed and ridiculed was an emotional punch as well as a physical punch. It created stress and anxiety, and that was my payment for hurting him and for disrupting the kids’ lives. Then, to make myself feel better, I would perpetuate the drama by retelling stories about the harassment until I was blue in the face (and until people began to roll their eyes behind my back.) This became a cycle: reach out to the ex; get shamed, harassed, belittled; feel justified in my decision; repeat said pitiful story to anyone who would listen; feel justified in my decision. I got some sort of comfort by being victimized. Yep, pretty fucked up. So why? Because being a victim made me “right” for leaving my marriage. In retrospect, it was obviously more important for me to be right than it was for me to find peace. I can see that now.

Still, the scars from the anguish are noticeable. My divorce definitely took a toll on my physical wellbeing. I’ve aged more than the four years I’ve been divorced – and it seems I’ve lost some brain function. Not that I’ve ever been genius material, but I’ve definitely seen a decline in my intellectual ability after living with a stress headache for three years. Even as a kid, I struggled in the area of vocabulary, never testing well in that category. Now, I’m finding that my ability to find the right words is declining even more. Here’s the ironic part, my ability to write has improved – probably the result of drama and emotion, which always make for good writing material. Deep-seated sensitivity and overwhelming anxiety have a tendency to make for good stories and exaggerated response – which has me asking the chicken and egg question. Did my sensitivity make me susceptible to a tough divorce, or did my divorce make me more susceptible to losing my mind?

It’s not all bad, losing your mind. Good writing material is one of the benefits, as is the quality of not giving a fuck. I definitely reached my breaking point with the bullshit – and finally decided to call it what it is…..gaslighting, harassment, unkindness, shaming and ghosting. And the result has been powerful. The darkness has given me an edge in the area of self-expression – and it’s given me a little recourse – because when external forces use your internal demons against you, you start to feel helpless to the insanity. Needless to say, it can be maddening to have mad people in your life. Here’s my advice: seek help when the circus comes to town.

Help may look like this: writing, or therapy, or medication. It may not happen overnight, or even over a thousand nights, but the mental and emotional effects of divorce will get better with time. I can’t stress enough, that it will probably take some help from the outside. I tried for two years, suffering through daily headaches and panic attacks, because I thought I would wake up one day and it would all be gone. It never happened – and I wasted years in suffering, when I could have found joy – the joy I had been wishing for, for over 17 years.

After getting help for myself, the state of mind that I once lost, has now been found. I’m past the sleepless nights and dreadful days. I’m numb to the harassment – it’s mostly tapered off anyway. Time has helped too and lately, I rarely feel the need to lean into the punch. The cycle is slowly slowing. I’ve learned that in order to get better, I needed to back up and start over from a good place. Like this article. Instead of continuing with the drama, I have gotten to the root of the problem. I’m focused on being accountable, if only to myself and to my kids; I’m focused on forgiveness, even if I haven’t been forgiven; and I’m focused on embracing humility as the personal growth I needed. I’ve discovered help by writing and by reaching out to the professionals. And most importantly, I’ve found joy – stay tuned for more on that.

For a long time, it felt like the divorce took my sanity, just like it took my family and friends. I felt powerless to the insanity that was seemingly being inflicted upon me through harassment and abandonment. I see now that my sanity was never taken from me. Instead, I gave it away. I allowed myself to be caught in the drama. I allowed myself to be abandoned. I have learned that I’m not powerless in creating peace for myself. And that I can’t be abandoned if I too walk away.

To all of you divorcées out there, get help if you cannot find joy on your own. Know that you deserve to find joy – even if you had to break up your family to do it. But most importantly this: there is no honor in suffering, and suffering doesn’t “cure” guilt.