An Introvert in Isolation

Tara/ April 25, 2020/ OLDER STUFF

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Putting an introvert in isolation is like putting a baby in her crib with her favorite blankie and bottle, surrounded by her favorite toys, and then soaking her binkies in sugar water. Go ahead and isolate me – I’ll be just fine.

I’ve been asked to stay home, my favorite place with my favorite people? Okie, dokie. You want me to stock my fridge and wine shelves, so I don’t have to go out into the world to see other people? No problem. I have to drink alone, in order to social distance myself – and I won’t have to worry about awkward encounters with certain people? Sounds good. You mean to tell me that no one will randomly knock on my door? Is that a promise? Can I also assume that my ex has nothing going on, so he won’t create any drama in my life? Fantastic.

Social De-Pressure

Suddenly, all of the social pressure from my socially complicated life has been turned off. All of the drama is gone. No more accidental run-ins with people I don’t care to see. No more forced conversations at the grocery store. I don’t have to dye my hair or get Botox. I don’t have to worry if my nails aren’t done just right, and I can wear what I want. Not having to talk to anyone has been easy, because if I struggled to find things to talk about before the quarantine, now it’s nearly impossible. I have permission to be myself and I don’t even have to apologize for it. It’s been somewhat of a relief.

Yeah, I admit that part of the relief I’m feeling is directly related to a tough year. 2019 will go down in the books as a bad one for my social calendar, that’s for sure. The pandemic hit right about the time when I needed to reset anyway. It’s given me a chance to think about relationships and to set intentions. Introverts reset by being alone and the isolation has been a welcomed time to breathe. I hope I can emerge rested, with a clear mind about how I intend to live the rest of my year and the rest of my life – and to put 2019 behind me.

Out of Sight

The hope that I will come out of this pandemic, a born-again-extrovert, is highly unlikely, but perhaps I will have stocked up on enough “alone time” that when all of those extroverts come knocking again, they won’t drain my energy with one interaction. Maybe I’ll have more appreciation for the people who took the time to check on me, even if I didn’t check on them first. And maybe I’ll pick up where I left off with all of the beautiful people in my life.

Or maybe I will have been forgotten. Out of sight, out of mind. It’s possible that all of my friends are carrying on like before, except that I can’t see it – which is easier for me. Maybe their calendars are just as full, and they’re having secret, real life happy hours. Maybe they’ve all said “fuck it” and are having dance parties with the shades drawn. All possible, but I’m telling myself that everyone else is drinking alone like I am. I’m telling myself that they can’t wait to clink their wine glass against mine and get back together, so we can help each other navigate parenthood, careers and love.

Yes, I tried to participate in an “internet happy hour,” but when my internet kept crashing, I gave up. It was difficult anyway. Trying to be heard over the other voices and stories, and trying to feel connection without eye contact was tricky, to say the least. I have a hard enough time being heard in real life, let alone trying to compete with delayed interjection and background noise. In the internet happy hour, no one can join me in a quiet corner to hash out the really hard shit in life or to whisper that I’m understood – because that’s the kind of happy hour that makes me happy.

Not Out of Mind

I know it’s not healthy, even for us introverts, to be alone this much. Isolation gives way for over-thinking, which opens the door for anxiety to slide in. Yes, my anxiety has returned, like a silent ruler controlling my thoughts and putting pressure on my head throughout the day and night. It’s a sneaky little bastard, that anxiety. Unfortunately, my over-active brain is starting to remember my insecurities and uncertainties. So yeah, as much as introverts need time alone, we also need human connection.

Okay fine, I may have exaggerated the situation a teensy bit. I miss my friends, I really do. But, I will also miss my unapologetic alone time – so thinking about getting back to normal gives me mixed feelings. I want to get back to juggling happy hours, birthday gathering and “book clubs.” I want to feel that connection with my friend when I know she has really heard me. And I want to see her eyes well up with tears as she tells me about her own struggles and joys. I can’t wait to hug them all and tell them I’ve missed them. It will be great to catch up over dinner and drinks – and when it’s over, it will be great to go back home to my crib.