Anger is Easy

Tara/ March 12, 2021/ OLD STUFF

I doubt anyone would say they like to be angry, so why is it often our default emotion? This is why: anger is a response that requires little to no thought and zero self-control. It’s easy.

I say anger is easy when the contrast is to forgive, or even harder, to be happy for someone who has hurt you. Anger doesn’t have to be shouting or slamming doors. Anger is present when we make the effort to ignore someone or to avoid them. Anger is blocking your ex or not returning a phone call; it’s ghosting a friend or giving an intentionally delayed response.

So many times I’ve been close to deleting contacts and relationships with a single swipe. And I stopped myself. I knew I was in the anger space. Yeah, yeah, I’ve preached and posted about blocking and unfriending all the assholes out there. But now that I’m in a better place, I realize it was just anger speaking.

Anger is a deflection emotion – it distracts from humility, empathy, vulnerability and truth.

Many of our emotions are actually just distractions – they keep us from facing the hard ones. Feelings like denial, fear and anger are easier, because they give us power – but over time, they only prolong the real healing and growth that is best for us.

Okay fine, I’ve hurt people – one person in particular. It was bad. He’s really fucking angry at me. I was angry too – for a long time. I’m better now, but sometimes I still find myself revisiting those feelings of bitterness. It’s then that I’m faced with a decision: admit my own wrongdoing and sadness – the really hard feelings; or just get pissed off by blaming him for stealing my dream – that’s easier.

Anger is often mistaken for strength and rewarded with power – but nothing could be weaker than anger. It takes much more strength and courage to be vulnerable, diplomatic and empathetic. It takes more strength to address the source of your anger, than it does to default to it. To be vulnerable is to give up control. Vulnerability is the opposite of anger and is the true strength, because it’s hard to let go.

Anger makes it easy to call me crazy rather than to ask me why I left my marriage or why I need to write about my pain. It’s easier to judge others than to put yourself in their shoes and admit that you might have done the same thing in their situation. Anger is an excuse to deflect root causes and to dismiss others – it excuses empathy as irrelevant.

I admit that sometimes it’s also easier to receive anger from someone who has hurt you. Yes, it’s completely fucked up to say that I kinda want my ex to be mean to me. It’s just so much easier to move on and to let go when we’re both angry. If he suddenly became super sweet and forgiving, it would be harder – for both of us. He would have to be vulnerable. Shit. I might have regrets. Shit, shit. Then things could get complicated, quickly. Shit, shit, shit. So yeah, sometimes even receiving anger is easier too.

Unfortunately, he’s not the only one with whom I prefer to share mutual anger. There are a couple other people who have hurt me. They’re angry with me – I’m angry and hurt too. And I don’t want to forgive them – because it’s too complicated and annoying to try to see their side of the situation. I want to be right – and continuing to be hurt makes me “right.” Remaining angry allows me to remain right and to be the victim. Not to mention, if I try to forgive them, but they don’t forgive me, it will hurt even more. It just feels safer to be pissed off.

Oh, the energy we humans spend trying to deflect emotional pain. And in the process, we end up with anger and avoidance, only to temporarily postpone our true emotions. It becomes a cycle, because anger perpetuates anger. It’s the easy response to tough situations, because it requires zero accountability and zero maturity.

Once again, a blog post has brought us to the truth: anger is easier than vulnerability, because it’s easier to control. We can’t control the other person, so anger is our natural attempt at controlling the situation when we have been wronged. Lord knows that if we can control something, we will.

If anger is so easy, how can we make forgiveness easy too? This is how: practice being brave. And even harder for me: let go of being right. Apologize. This is the humility I’ve written about. I’ve made mistakes and I too have been wrong. There, I said it. Are you happy? Now, it’s your turn. Admit your own wrongdoing and forgive me – I will forgive you too. Amen.