Be Good
The year was 1999. My brand new husband and I had boarded a plane from England to Ireland on our honeymoon headed to a reunion in my family’s motherland. Boarding passes in hand, we entered the plane, excited to be on our last leg of a long trip. As we approached our assigned row, it became clear – someone was sitting in our window seat. My husband, being no stranger to conflict, said, “hey dude, you’re in my seat.”
In a heavy British accent, the annoyed passenger said rudely, “typical Yank.”
What the hell does that mean, I thought. I wanted to say “typical Brit.” I didn’t. But I wondered, why is it typical for us to want to sit in the seats we had reserved? Would it have made us better than typical to give him our window seat? To sacrifice the view above rolling pastures divided so magnificently by hand-built stone walls?
Twenty-four years later, this experience still has me thinking about the word “typical.” A typical person must be someone who behaves in a way that is expected. The fact that this Brit expected us Yanks to want what we paid for will be a topic for another time. For now, I am merely intrigued by the word “typical.”
Does behaving in an expected way make a person typical? And what is expected behavior anyway? Also this: am I a good person?
Good People
I was taught that there are good and bad people in the world. Good versus evil. This inherent need to categorize people has left me confused. Where do I put the people I love who do things that are bad? And the people who I had previously categorized as “good,” when they make very bad decisions.
Especially in recent years this has become a struggle for me. Annoyed British opinions aside, there are some very bad behaviors for which I need to find a new category. I need to decipher between a murderer and an anti-vaxxer; between a rapist and a Trump supporter. Because for me, all of these things feel very bad, but the people who do the latter are not always bad people. Thinking back to the word “typical,” this might be the best category for them.
Being good does not mean following the rules. Being good is a state of mind. One where we are conscientious, vigilant and courageous. Oftentimes, being good is very much about breaking the rules of others.
I’m starting to realize how often people throw around the word “good” to describe others: “he’s a good guy,” “she’s a good person.” Hearing this has me thinking about what I consider to be “good.” Do they truly meet the description of what I would consider to be good or are they just saying the person follows rules well? Why not say “he’s interesting,” or “she’s thoughtful?” Are they over compensating for a person who is actually just typical? I challenge you; the next time you hear someone described as a “good guy,” question it.
I no longer take their word for it. I make the decision for myself – after I get to know them. You see, I have been fooled. A lot of people who I would have previously called good, I now refer to as typical. But to be clear, this doesn’t mean they are bad. Keep reading.
So Typical
The older I get, the more I realize that most people are neither good nor bad. They are somewhere in the middle of this very large group of typical people. And by way of my observations and introspection, I have determined that most people are not good enough to be considered good, but not bad enough to be considered bad. Most people do good things and bad things.
Simply put, typical people do typical things – things that are expected of us humans. It seems that it’s all about defining the standard. For me, a typical person is kind to humans and animals, says please and thank you, tips well. I believe that all humans should abide by a certain level of goodness – and that within this standard, a certain level of goodness is expected, therefore it is typical.
Being Bad
Just as it takes a lot to be considered good, the same goes for being considered bad. This label is reserved for the rapists and murderers, not the anti-vaxxers and Trump supporters. Those people are not bad – confused maybe, but not bad. There is a mile long list of bad behaviors often carried out by typical people. For instance, the people in my life who are bad communicators or have hurt me. They’re not bad. I can only think of a few truly bad people who have come into my life.
We all do bad things and make bad decisions. We have all hurt one another. It’s the way a person responds to the hurt or to the transgression that earns their ultimate label. Lack of accountability is bad. Introspection and open communication are good. Blaming and avoidance are bad. Empathy and selflessness are good.
For Goodness Sake
What is goodness to you? And how much of your interpretation of goodness is based on intention?
When you know better, do better.
Maya Angelou
Having good intentions only makes a person typical. Intentions are plans. It’s a person’s action that ultimately makes them good. In order to be a good person, you must do things that are not easy, things that take courage and things that don’t always benefit you. Good things are things that go above and beyond what is typical and expected. A good person must prioritize goodness over comfort. They must have the tough conversation, forgive others, go out of their way for someone, do more selfless things than selfish things. Good people are more conscientious. They are more introspective and thoughtful. Good people don’t double down on defensive arguments.
For me, a good person must have a greater sense of awareness. They must be willing to look at their own behavior and make corrections. For a person to be good, they must have accountability. It doesn’t mean that people don’t make mistakes, but the difference is how a person responds to their mistakes and to the mistakes of others that makes them good or typical.
Doing good does not always a good person make.
Good deeds should not be confused with being good. Good deeds, like donating money or service, can be done by typical or bad people. Good people naturally do good things for others, but without recognition or accolades. The truly good deeds are done without expecting something in return. With this understanding, we can prioritize being good over doing good. Be good and you will be more likely to do good.
You Good?
Back to the question I’m trying to answer: Am I a good person? A year ago I would have answered, absolutely. Now, my answer needs more consideration. I mean I do a few things I think are good: I donate blood every eight weeks, I hold the door for strangers, I try to check in on my friends and family, I’m fully vaccinated and I apologize when I hurt people. But we’ve established that those things are actually typical and expected of everyone.
I want to be good – so I think that’s a good start. I know how to be good – and that’s even better. I try to be good – which seems really good by itself. Hey, I just might be good. How about you?
When you become good,
Tara Gaffney
you are more likely to do good.
Practice being good first.