Belonging
Why do we often ask ourselves, “where do I belong?”
Is belonging a place? For me that’s part of it. But belonging is not just a location. It’s more about the people in my life. It’s a feeling that often I can’t articulate. And sometimes, it’s the lack of belonging that will trigger a need to cling to the people and places where I feel I belong.
After my divorce dust settled, I started to ask myself questions about belonging. My thoughts evolved from the initial blow of the divorce to the loss I still feel every day. The initial losses were evident in the mere logistics of the divorce process. You know, this, that and the other things. Still, the unseen loss that divorce creates could be the most lingering. It’s the loss of belonging.
This is what happens when your life is turned upside down and inside out. It’s what happens when you become the subject of what I call “collective rejection.” That’s when multiple people decide that you don’t belong with them. It’s when they band together to reject you instead of deciding independently. When the rejection is collective it adds exponential sadness and confusion. It also makes you start to think about what it means to belong. Because if you ever thought you belonged with people who would collectively reject you, maybe you never really belonged with them anyway?
Rejection is a common feeling that most people experience, I’m not denying this. But it’s one thing to have a few disagreements or falling-outs, it’s quite another thing to be canceled by a community and a whole family whom you loved for decades. This collective rejection is the reason I have started to analyze belonging. But rejection is not the topic of this post, so let’s move on, shall we?
What is belonging anyway? Is it having things in common with others? Like political and spiritual beliefs, socioeconomic status, proximity, life experiences, similar ages and interests? Is it about having a blood relationship or being with someone who loves you? Or is it more complex than that? Sometimes things like conformity, obedience, and loyalty can be disguised as belonging, right? So how do we know when we belong?
Is It About Similarities?
Birds of a feather flock together. We like to see ourselves in the people around us. And for some more than others, belonging comes from similarities. We join clubs and create families, all in an effort to surround ourselves with people who are like us. It’s all about the validation of existence. This is how gangs thrive – on similar needs.
In my quest for belonging, I have looked for myself in the people around me. I have clung tightly to the similarities I thought I had with them. The greatest sense of belonging I’ve had was being part of a community who was raising kids at the same time I was. But now that my kids are almost grown, the natural existence of community is different. And therefore belonging is different. Now it’s about what I need from a community. I need to feel emotionally understood and accepted. I need to be surrounded by people who hold the same values as I do: politically, socially, globally and spiritually.
In my past, I would hang on to the smallest similarities I saw in others. And when the similarities were too small, or I couldn’t find any, I tried to change myself to fit in. That’s how strong my need to belong has been. But changing oneself isn’t always possible. And this conformity, although seemingly necessary to fit it, is the worst way to find belonging. It leads to a loss of self. At first for me, losing myself was a sacrifice I was willing to make to belong. But it left me feeling resentful, insecure and unworthy. It was confusing, because I loved the people for whom I was trying to belong and for whom I was trying to change.
Is it About Love?
When love is present, it makes the need to belong confusing – because love and belonging sometimes feel the same, but are often unrelated. The problem is that when love is present, so is the expectation you will feel a sense of belonging.
Our search for belonging begins as children when we look to our families to provide physical and emotional safety. Safety feels like belonging. So does familiarity, reliability and love. But belonging must not be exclusively about love and safety, because sometimes we find that we don’t belong with the people who love us and who provide safety.
Belonging is more about feeling “seen” by our families. This validation and acceptance is the foundation for belonging in all relationships, but especially within families. If we don’t feel seen by our families due to different beliefs, different physical attributes, or emotional neglect, it creates separation. And we will spend the rest of our lives searching for acceptance, and searching for belonging.
Is it About Attraction?
Attraction is the manifestation of our search for belonging. It’s the energetic response of the desire to belong with one another. We are attracted to what is familiar and what creates the validation of our own existence. It’s the partner who shares similar traits or has the same beliefs. It’s the person you instantly connect with over a shared experience.
When I look back at who I have been attracted to, I am amused at my interest. I’m not only talking about romantic attraction, but about friendships too. In a group of educated, lovely, and interesting friends, I have a type. That type is the introspective, stylish, successful, confident person – all the things I try to be myself.
When I look at my romantic attractions, I am also amused. I believe that a person’s choice of partner is the ultimate reflection of our quest for belonging. I have found myself with people who were similar to me, physically and sometimes emotionally. But just like attraction evolves, so does belonging. And when you no longer feel a sense of belonging with your partner, you will seek it outside of the relationship.
I looked for myself in my marriage, but ultimately our emotional differences became too great. I didn’t feel the oneness that is required for a successful relationship. I didn’t see myself in his intensity. I didn’t hear myself in his tone. So for years, my need for belonging was met by my community. In retrospect, it’s clear that when my community-belonging began to fall apart, so did my marriage. Because a person can only go on so long without a sense of belonging, before they will make sacrifices to find it. And so it is that I was willing to give up the dream and the life I had for two decades – to find belonging.
And I found it with Sara. It’s obvious that I was looking for all things belonging. Not only are we often mistaken for sisters, but I thought her energy would be the attraction I needed to be embraced by the community I was losing.
It’s All of These Things
Belonging is all of the things that attraction manifests: similarities, love, acceptance and validation. My quest for belonging will continue until I have it in abundance. I belong with Sara, this I know for sure. As for the rest of my life, belonging will be the gift of finding a community. It’s a slow process, because of all the things that make it hard to build community: time, proximity, and other responsibilities, but I am on my way.
It’s important to be patient. Forcing belonging by attaching to people and ideas to fill gaps in our lives can backfire. If our quest for belonging comes from our need to be seen and validated, then belonging is also necessary for self-worth. It should feel natural. Belonging is not about conformity. And the quest for belonging shouldn’t make you lose yourself. Because if you lose yourself, you won’t know what to look for in others.
What does belonging mean to you?
Belonging starts with knowing yourself. That way you know what to look for in others.
Tara Gaffney