Birth of a Blog

Tara/ October 25, 2019/ DISCLAIMER

I’d like to introduce to you my new baby, this blog. Let me explain why I’m here. I’ve had anxiety for three years due to a contentious divorce. When I say “anxiety,” I don’t mean the kind of stress that I used to call anxiety before I actually had anxiety. I’m talking about having a headache for three years. I’m talking about losing sleep, panic attacks, crying every day, crippling fear and having absolutely cuckoo thoughts.

Yeah, I’m divorced – much to my dismay.  The path my life has taken in the last 3-4 years has surprised the shit out of me.  I say “surprised,” but actually I planned the whole goddamn thing in a very deliberate sort of way – very much like I do most things in my life.  So, why did I choose this path?  It’s really fucking complicated and I’ll get to that over the course of the over-sharing I will be doing right here on this site.  For now, I’ll just try to explain why this blog is not only therapeutic, but it is a matter of life or death for me.  I’ll explain more on the “death” part later too.

My mind has always been busy, busy, busy. I can’t turn it off. Yes, this is also called obsession. For the first part of my life that obsession was productive. I was focused on crafts, sewing, building shit, gymnastics, my hair, piercing my ears and clothes. Then I hit puberty and holy shit. I don’t have to tell you that my obsession quickly turned to boys, boys, boys. My middle school diary is embarrassing proof that I was absolutely obsessed with John, Todd, Ryan and Keith. High school was more of the same. And then came adulthood and my busy brain has been a major source of sadness, depression and wasted energy.

I come from a family of readers, a quality I could never even begin to master. As soon as I open a book, my mind starts to wander. I was a decent student and somehow managed to earn a master’s degree in accounting, a subject that came extremely easy to my logical brain. Writing works for me too, because it is also logical to a certain extent. It requires structure and detail orientation, but it also appeases my creative side. And it allows me to say whatever the fuck I want to say – a quality I have always dreamed of having. I’m able to express myself endlessly, something that is important to me, and to save my friends and family from having to listen to me talk about my ex or my other issues on repeat. Apparently this shy girl from Wyoming has a shit ton to say.

I decided to choose acceptance as my overlying topic, because as I started to think about all of the challenges I’ve faced in my life, accepting the situation and accepting my path would have made it easier to get through – instead of all of this swimming upstream bullshit. I considered writing about divorce, because after all, that is truly what motivated me to start writing in the first place. But how long can I possibly talk about divorce? I mean, let’s hope my ex will at least start saying hello to me in the next couple of years. And once he and I are buddies again, no one will want to hear about that. So, I went back to the drawing board and after just a short brainstorming session, I realized that acceptance is vitally important to everyone and in every situation imaginable. Think about the obvious ones: relationships, belonging, love, body image, etc. And then think about all that is the opposite of acceptance: rejection, denial, hate, etc. Mix all of that together, add discernment and there you have it: ACCEPT-ABILITY.

Don’t get me wrong, we will definitely talk about divorce as well. That should be fun.

Thank you for indulging me and for listening. I appreciate being heard. My hope is that not only is it this site’s purpose to indulge my overzealous mind, but that it also helps someone else feel less lonely and more accepted. Join me here as I attempt to tell my story and not put my foot in my mouth too many times.

This blog will not be for everyone – some people don’t like swearing. And yes, there will be critics and there will be those who point out the obvious; like the fact that by publishing a blog I am essentially looking for the ultimate acceptance and approval on a public stage. I can handle the obvious and there isn’t a lot of criticism that I haven’t already thought of. It’s me, remember – the over-thinker? And for those people who just want to hate on me? Go fuck yourself. I’ve always wanted to say that.