Divorce Loss Episode 3: Friends

Tara/ January 31, 2020/ DIVORCE LOSS 3 - THE FRIENDS

I’ve drafted many more blog posts than I’ve actually published on this site, and of all the pieces I’ve written, this one has been particularly difficult. I must have rewritten it ten times. I’m sitting here trying to figure out why I can’t find the words to explain this loss. It must be because during all of my divorce preparation, I never once thought to plan on losing friends. I planned for the kids, the finances, the house. I even considered that my in-laws might disown me (see Episode 2 for that answer.)

I guess you could say I chose all of those losses – all of them deliberately planned; all except this one, the loss of friendships. It never occurred to me that friends and acquaintances alike would allow divorce to drive a wedge between an otherwise good relationship. And I’m probably still in denial, so writing about it makes it real – hence the multiple iterations of this blog. Here’s the angle I’ve decided to take to describe this loss: when I say I’ve “lost” friends because of my divorce, what I mean is that I’ve lost the friendships as I once knew them. I wouldn’t want to sound too dramatic after all.

Bu-Bye

It didn’t happen overnight or with an emotional exit, name-calling or door slamming. At least I don’t think I’ve been called any names – insert clenched teeth emoji. It came in the way of exclusion and quietly turning away from the drama – a few Irish goodbyes, if you will. I get it. There’s a lot of weird shit that happens between divorced couples, and being friends with one or both parties takes extra effort to deal with that shit. The bickering, the competition and the downright nastiness can be too much for some people. And in my case, the need to talk through all of this bizarre stuff has probably driven some people away. My divorce created an inconvenient and complicated friendship with me and with my ex. Inconvenience is hard for some people, but what they don’t understand is that I need friends now more than ever before.

Yeah, my situation is complicated, I’m not gonna lie. Like, really fucking complicated. Complication number one, no husband. I mean, that’s kinda the idea around getting divorced in the first place, right? Get rid of said husband. But the husband was my ticket. And not having a husband certainly doesn’t work when trying to create the image of perfectly balanced estrogen and testosterone in a group. Complication number two, my new same-sex relationship is shocking for everyone around me*. Finally and probably most difficult, the person I’m dating was my ex’s friend. Yikes.

We Have Rules Around Here

In my pursuit of happiness I’ve broken rules. You guys, some people hold societal rules higher than the rule about listening to your gut and the rule about being true to yourself. If you’re thinking of getting divorced, be ready for that. The rules will inevitably force some people to choose sides based on who they believe has or has not broken the rules. Let me be clear, I have never and would never ask people to choose sides. Ok fine, I admit I was secretly happy when people have chosen my side – but honestly I was naive. I thought people would carry on in the regular fashion of being friendly to both my ex and me. I thought I would receive endless support during the hardest years of my life. I thought everyone who knew me would embrace my search for an everlasting love story. Fucking-A, was I wrong.

Not only is it the loss of friendships that has me feeling dazed and confused, it’s the loss of my community that has me completely perplexed. You know the kind of community that comes from having a large group of family friends who make camping trips, holidays and parties absolutely and amazingly awesome? I had that. And it seems I’ve lost it. My extended family has never lived near me, so the community that my ex and I were part of was my local family.

Unfortunately, divorce has turned that community upside down. Everything has changed. I feel like an outsider in the neighborhood where I’ve lived for 20 years. I never thought that finding the courage to be free from oppression would isolate me as it has, but it seems that divorce has created a convenient excuse to restructure relationships. And I feel abandoned. At its peak, my community was a major source of joy for my family and for me. It was also responsible for keeping me married for at least a few years. Now that I’m not married, the loss of that community has left me heartbroken.

Don’t Be Like Alice

Remember that my goal with this series is to share my experience with the hope that it will help someone else considering divorce – so before I go too far down the self-pity rabbit hole…don’t worry, I still have friends. Some of my friendships have even grown stronger because of my divorce. In retrospect, I’ve realized that my marriage prevented some friendships from growing. The friendships that required more attention couldn’t blossom when my time was being controlled by my ex. Now that I’m more available and in charge of my own time, those people have stepped forward and have given me the unconditional support I’ve needed during some of my darkest days. And the friends that my ex never liked? They’re mine for the choosing. I’ve been incredibly grateful for the love and generosity I’ve been given by a handful of really awesome people.

Alright, I’ll stop with the middle school bullshit. Let’s wrap this up. If you’re thinking of getting divorced, just know that there will be those who love and support you and embrace your choice of partner. And there will be those who turn away to avoid the inconvenient, messy, dramatic, fucked up, heartbreaking reality of divorce. And let me tell you, it’s been the most humbling experience I’ve ever had to know that the complexities of divorce would make some people too uncomfortable to stick around.

I guess I have to accept that things have changed. There’s that word again – acceptance. Yeah, it’s still incredibly heartbreaking – kinda like a second divorce. I tell myself that it’s not a big deal, but being excluded feels horrible. No good. Very bad. It’s one more hurdle in this very long race. Maybe my next blog will read like an ad: divorced woman in search of really awesome and resilient friends. Any takers?

On second thought, I’d really like some emotionally intelligent, courageous and empathetic friends. Thanks.

* Implicit bias is a feeling of bias toward or away from a certain type of person without intentionally meaning to cause harm. My former friends, although proclaimed Democrats, were not accustomed to same-sex relationships. This implicit bias, I believe, played a part in the ostracism I received. And although they would deny this, all evidence says otherwise. They just didn’t know what to do with two women in love in the middle of their country club lifestyle.