Guide to Introspection
I like to start my blogs with a definition to get us all on the same page. Today we’re talking about introspection. Merriam-Webster defines introspection as “an examination of one’s own thoughts and feelings.” Introspection is important to me for several reasons: it requires deep thought, which I love; it results in accountability and humility, which I also love; and it makes us better humans, which we should all love.
But too much thinking for a person like me, who already spends a lot of time in thought, can be tricky. I have to be careful not to overthink or get stuck on the hamster wheel. I learned how to overthink when I was a kid, trying to understand circumstances that I perceived to be dysfunctional. I tried hard to make sense of the small trauma I was experiencing by thinking a lot about what I would change. My parents also passed on the practice of overthinking to me, as they too, were processing their own childhood trauma in front of me. But as I grew and gained more control of my own life, I still found myself getting stuck in repetitive thought patterns. It wasn’t until after my divorce that I realized my methods of thought were unhealthy. I needed to turn the trauma response of overthinking into the useful tool of introspection.
Revelations
When I got divorced, divorce was uncommon among my friends and acquaintances. I was 44 years old and the wave of separations among those married more than ten years had not yet taken off. Among my family members it was somewhat rare. Among my ex husband’s family it was declared that “we don’t get divorced in this family” – although some had and some probably still will.
I quickly began to notice that divorce had created behavior and feelings in myself and in others that would not have otherwise been revealed. It uncovered my own childhood trauma and what I perceived to be trauma in them. And I was confused. How do I handle these new feelings and behaviors everyone is having? Perhaps these feelings had always been there, but were suddenly visibly due to the heightened emotion of the situation. I saw it in myself too.
After my divorce there was a lot of anger and discomfort directed at me and felt by me. I realized that when people experience uncomfortable situations, they often react with anger instead of with compassion and understanding. By recognizing that the anger around me was probably rooted in something deeper, it helped me see it differently. It helped me realize that the reaction I was receiving was triggered behavior, and it was best if I didn’t take it personally. We all know by now, that anger is usually a front for something more complex. For instance, leaving my marriage was quite possibly a trigger for many people who experienced divorce as a child, or who are currently in an unhappy marriage. Perhaps the anger directed at me was their fear of loss, or discomfort at the actual loss of control.
As I thought about all the feelings that had been exposed, I wanted to find a solution. But mostly, I just wanted to talk it out with everyone. Unfortunately, a lot of people would prefer to sweep difficult feelings under the rug (another trauma response.) Selfishly though, I still wanted others to grow with me so that our relationships could mend, and become even stronger through the hardship of divorce. I needed to make sense of the behavior around me and I wanted others to see themselves the way I saw them. To be fair, I also needed to try to see myself the way they saw me. This is when I started to think about practical ways we can incorporate introspection into our lives.
Reasons
To break it down, there are two important reasons to be introspective. First and foremost, introspection creates emotional intelligence. Returning to the definition of the word, “an examination of one’s own thoughts and feelings.” I would add, “in order to further one’s emotional intelligence.” It creates humility and empathy. Introspection develops personal growth and elevates our consciousness. It creates internal peace and external compassion. Ultimately, it’s the thing that keeps us from being assholes.
It certainly helps me from being an asshole. Introspection has enabled me to figure out why I felt the need to vilify my ex and why I needed so much validation after my divorce. It helped me admit that my insecurities contributed to the loss of friendships and that feeling sorry for myself was ironically comforting at times. I’m not gonna lie, introspection sucks sometimes. I would rather just blame everyone else for my problems. But that would make me a hypocrite.
The second reason that introspection is important is one reason I got divorced. I call it the cage effect. This is when we find ourselves in a metaphorical cage, without knowing how we got there. It could be an unhappy relationship, an unhealthy friendship, or any oppressive situation. The effect is that you would never intentionally put yourself in a cage, but instead, it’s like the cage was built around you while you slept – while you carried on living the so-called dream you were seeking. The dream was so intoxicating or oppressive that you denied your inner voice. Slowly things changed and became restrictive or controlling. Maybe you began to dismiss concerning situations to keep the peace. Maybe you slowly lost your voice because the need to fit in was all consuming. Perhaps you stayed in a toxic work environment for way too long. Introspection is what helps us understand how a person, who is physically able and seemingly intelligent, could find themselves living in a cage instead of flying away.
I have found myself in a few different cages in my lifetime. But by using introspection, I am now confident that I will never be trapped again. I developed a list to help anyone tap into their own introspection. These tips will help you stimulate introspection in yourself and use it in a productive way. This guide is like having a little therapy in your pocket.
A note on therapy: this guide to becoming introspective is not meant to replace therapy. A licensed therapist may recommend Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which seems like the fancier way to practice introspection. I’m not a therapist, so I use observation and analysis to explore practical and simple ways we can better our lives, hence the topic of introspection.
The List:
- Quiet your mind regularly (“meditation-like”.) Go for a walk without noise or distraction – being alone is best. Begin to incorporate short mindful moments into your day in order to clear your mind of clutter. These are ways you can start to move into the empty spaces of your mind. It’s in the empty spaces where introspection lies. Quieting your mind may look differently for different people. You may need to start small: a deep breath at a traffic light; a pause before responding to a text; leaving a day open on your calendar; turning off electronic devices for a period of time. Introspection requires a higher level of awareness. It cannot be done in a purely meditative state. Pure meditation requires a person to dismiss the thoughts that enter their mind. Introspection combines pure meditation and active thinking. It requires elevated consciousness. This is why I call it “meditation-like.” In these moments of introspection, pay attention to your emotions and use them to uncover a deeper understanding of the areas where you need work.
- Ask yourself tough questions. Once you get to your quiet space, allow the thoughts to enter your mind. These are the painful, emotional questions that are often lying deep within your gut. You might start by asking, “who does that?” Or “why does that make me so angry?” Then stay with the thought to hear the answer. Maybe there are questions about your childhood and what went wrong. Maybe there are questions about codependency or indiscretions. Yes, it will be uncomfortable. It may be extremely painful and it might create sadness, but asking tough questions is the basis of introspection. For the overthinkers, recognize when thoughts are not productive and shift them toward introspection by asking questions.
Some of my favorite questions are:
- Why do I build walls in response to my fear of abandonment?
- Why do I fear abandonment?
- What is my attachment style?
- Do I have healthy relationships, free of codependency and gaslighting?
- Why do I often feel sensitive?
- Why am I sometimes judgemental?
- How do my behaviors point to unresolved childhood trauma?
- What are my implicit biases and how did they form?
- Am I a hypocrite?
- Is someone gaslighting me?
- Am I gaslighting someone?
- Am I in a cage?
The questions will differ for each person and will continue to change as we evolve. Create your own list of challenging questions that will uncover your introspection. Give each question serious consideration and answer them honestly. Pause before answering. Sit through the discomfort that the answers reveal. Ask follow up questions. Become observant. To be introspective is to learn to tap into the naturally occurring curiosity within each of us.
- Include opposing viewpoints in your thoughts. If there are others involved in a question you’re asking, ask it a second time from the opposing view. Ask yourself how the other person would feel about your answer. Most answers can be enhanced with a shift in perspective. Adding an opposing viewpoint is the way to tap into empathy for the other people in your life. An exercise in uncovering truth is to write your story from the other person’s perspective. I’ve used this exercise by envisioning parts of my blog from the perspective of the people I’m writing about. Doing so reveals a tremendous amount of empathy and helps me see my own mistakes. The truth lies in knowing all sides of a situation.
In order to uncover the truth about a situation, we must also recognize contradictions to our beliefs. Instead of becoming defensive, allow other opinions to expose your own biases. Remove ego and righteousness from your response.
Regarding the uncovering of truth, it’s worth noting that when analyzing behaviors and emotions, truth is rarely verifiable. Truth is subjective, so when I refer to truth, I am referring to exposing all sides of a situation.
- Practice introspection. To become introspective, one must practice introspection. Make introspection a habit. Becoming introspective is the ultimate tool in personal growth. It’s worth saying a few things about the importance of having introspection during moments of high stress. There’s an element of self-control that will result when you have practiced introspection for a time. You start to recognize your triggers and learn to take a step back.
Unlock the Cage Door
Expect that it will take time to turn introspection into action. If you realize that you’re living in a cage, don’t panic and burn the place down while you’re trapped inside. Take time to slowly dismantle it.
Introspection is the way to find forgiveness when others don’t forgive you, and healing when others have hurt you. It’s about recognizing your unhappiness and the cage in which you are existing. It calls you to take action. To be introspective is to unlock the cage door and take control of your life. It is also about acknowledging when you are contributing to an unhealthy relationship. Introspection forces a person to face their mistakes. The gift of introspection is learning not to fear accountability and to embrace the humility that follows. And the value of humility cannot be overstated. It is empowering, creates perspective and even joy. Becoming introspective is the key to emotional maturity. And emotional maturity is incredibly sexy.
Begin to leave space for introspection to exist. Remove the habit of filling up the empty space in your life with meaningless activities, objects, and people. Remove busyness. Empty space in our lives and in our minds is not the absence of something. It holds value of its own. Practicing introspection is about becoming more observant to your own feelings and to the feelings of others. It is about creating space in your mind and in your physical life to allow thoughts and questions to enter freely.