I’m the Mouse
“If you give a mouse a cookie, she’s going to want a glass of milk to go with it.” That’s a line adapted from the children’s book by Laura Numeroff and it describes me to a tee. I’m also what you call a “100%er.” I don’t do anything half way. It’s the whole thing or nothing at all. And it applies to most every part of my life, from work to relationships. Yay for me that I’m thorough at work. Fuck me when it comes to relationships.
This is one of the “blessing and curse” qualities I so reluctantly get to call mine. I think it’s been necessary for me to succeed in my life, to be so thorough. Accountants need that quality, after all. And simply put, it’s how my brain is wired. If I know I won’t be able to have all of something or be able to finish it, it’s best if I don’t even try.
I used to be that girl who gave ultimatums. We’re either together or we’re not. I never did the “friends with benefits” thing and if I knew they weren’t long term relationship material, I didn’t waste my time. I pulled that same shit on my ex when we were dating. It worked. The jury is still out on this, but it could be one reason that I’m divorced. I didn’t just want the husband, the kids and the house, I wanted the connection and perfection. Call me a perfectionist or call me practical.
As for my friendships, I have a lot of them – mostly because I’ve lived in the same town for 24 years – not because I’m a social climber. Social climber, I am most definitely not. I’m an introvert, but I’m not a loner. I crave really strong connections and I reserve my feelings for a small handful of people. I fall in love with those few, but like every other American I’m incredibly busy. As many people do, I’m juggling a full time job, kids, and time to take care of myself, so I can’t give my friendships my undivided attention. Quantity of time aside, I hang a lot of weight on the connections and number of years I have with a friend. Once you’re in with me, I’m kinda hooked. And expectations arise – a glass of milk to go with my cookie, if you will. For instance, if we have lunch or a glass of wine together (the cookie), it only seems natural to me that I would be at the top of your dinner party list or night-on-the town text (the glass of milk.) Because why waste time eating a dry cookie when it’s so much better dunked in milk. Is anyone following me?
What can I say, I know what I want. And maybe that’s not the norm. Most people operate in the gray, I get it. Most people probably don’t overthink relationships and set high expectations like I do. But consider this: if I expect a lot from you, it’s because I admire and respect you. It’s because I truly want you to be part of my life.
I know this 100%er thing about me can be scary for some – so I’m really trying to be happy with my cookie, alright? I’m trying to accept what each person brings to my life and not expect quite so much from everyone. I’m trying to take all the cookies I get from the people in my life and wrap them in a pretty box of satisfaction. It’s just really hard for me. For now, please know that if I refuse your cookie, it’s not that I don’t want the cookie. I want the goddamn cookie, ok? I just know there may not be a glass of milk to go with it.
Very well said; I totally get it!
Right there with you. If you get into my inner circle, you’re getting the milk if you want it or not.