Swimming Upstream
I’ve been swimming upstream most of my life, unwilling to accept my current situation for what it is. As long as I can remember I’ve been wishing and hoping for something different. Even as a kid, I often thought about how I would live a different life than my parents – I would do more and have more. My life would be perfect, unlike theirs which was full of stress that came from being poor. That early resistance shaped my thought process and would affect how I saw the world, well into my adult life. The result of resistance is good and bad. It creates change when change is needed, but it can create anxiety when change is impossible. I learned to constantly evaluate my life, picking it apart bit by bit, trying to make every part perfect. It’s no surprise that my life didn’t turn out perfect. And I didn’t turn out perfect.
I couldn’t be a stay-at-home mom like I wanted. I had to have a job. I had a chip on my shoulder for years, feeling like I had pulled the short straw. I was sad and pissed that all of my friends got to stay home with their babies and I had to work. I often started my day with a lump in my throat as I drove by their houses with the strollers lined up in their front yards, knowing they would be spending their day at playdates and playgrounds while I sat in front of a computer. My marriage wasn’t perfect either. My house? – that was never quite right. Although I had come so far in my life, it would never match those around me. I was constantly reminded that I still didn’t have enough. I wasn’t enough.
I was consumed by those inequities and lived in that resistance for a long time. I spent a lot of energy wishing I had a different house and a different marriage. I thought that if we could do just one more remodel and if my ex would just change, my life would be perfect. I tried to practice gratitude, but in the back of my mind I always felt slighted. It took some hard shit to help me realize that I have everything I need. It usually takes a punch in the stomach to make you see clearly in cases like this; cases where there’s not really a problem. And yes, just a few days before my 40th birthday our family went through a very difficult situation and life got hard for a while. Seven years later and after going through a contentious divorce, I am just now learning to accept situations and people for who they are.
I think there’s a way to get on the river of life and not be complaisant. I’m still trying to figure it out. How can I accept certain circumstances and still change what needs to be changed? I have an eye for recognizing what I think is fucked up; it’s the “let it be” part where my challenge lies. What I do know for sure is that if I start with gratitude and acceptance, I can figure out if change is actually necessary. Gratitude also helps me keep my “problems” in perspective and stop whining. Forgiveness is next. I forgive people who created the imperfect situations in my life and know that they did the best they could. I forgive myself for not being the perfect wife or the perfect mother.
I have finally come to terms with how I grew up. And honestly, I can see it as a blessing. I know what it feels like to live in a place that is not only uncomfortable, but embarrassing as shit. Because of that, I have an enormous amount of gratitude that my home is cozy, that I have hot water and healthy food in my refrigerator. I also have an enormous amount of empathy for the homeless and for those who live with food insecurity. And that career I once loathed enabled me the freedom to clearly make the hard choice to leave my marriage and to comfortably support myself and three kids. Fuck yeah.
Not everything needs changing. Some things and some people are just as they should be. I spent the first 20 years of my life wishing my parents would change, and the next 20 years trying to change an already full and complete life. Now I’m working on accepting and appreciating it all. It doesn’t mean I have to be complaisant and agree with everyone and everything that happens; and I certainly don’t have to stay in relationships with people who bring negativity into my life. It just means that I can get on the river of life, accept and appreciate all that is and let go of the ideas and people who don’t bring me happiness. And that’s enough.