Divorce Loss Episode 1: Family
Thank you for coming back. I thought that before I lose you all with that raging bitch stuff, I should get to the more important reason I’m here. I have several goals for this site, and although one of them is self-expression, there’s something more important I hope to accomplish. I want to help those of you considering divorce. It’s the hardest decision you may ever make, I know. And I’m sorry that you’re having to consider it. Whatever has brought you here, I hope I can help bring clarity to your situation. I wrote this loss series for you. I don’t have to tell you that if you choose divorce, it will change your life, your spouse’s life and the life of your kids – forever. I’m not here to talk you out of it. I just want to share my story with the hope that it will help you make the best decision for you.
In this episode of loss I’d like to talk about the greatest loss that has come from my divorce: my family. Family is at the top of a long list of losses that include: my house, my friends, my in-laws, my security and my mind. Oh, and I lost my job that first year too. That was real fucking fun.
In case it wasn’t clear, the divorce was my idea. And yes, I understood that my family wouldn’t be the same and I knew I’d have to give up some time with my kids once I moved out. I thought I had seriously considered every angle of what my new life would look like. What I didn’t fully understand was how much I loved the family unit and how much I would miss it. There’s an enormous amount of security that comes from being surrounded by people who love you.
It fucking sucks. And it was my choice. And I’d do it over again. Being between a rock and a hard place is an understatement. You guys, it’s so hard. There’s no winning in this situation, sorry to say. It’s a matter of deciding which situation you’re willing to live with and make the most of and that which you’re not.
Lives have been changed because of a decision I made, and not necessarily in a good way. To be clear, it’s not all bad either. What I like to believe is that my kids are more resilient and that I’ve modeled courage and independence for them. The truth is that they will see the world differently from now on. They will have less faith in people and less faith that situations will remain unchanged. Yes, that’s how life is and as adults we eventually learn that nothing ever stays the same. Children of divorce are forced to face that reality sooner. As a matter of fact, children of divorce are forced to deal with too many uncomfortable situations to count. Our lives have been turned upside down. We all feel less secure in our new world, and for the kids it’s exasperated.
After three years I’ve mostly accepted the loss of the family unit. What’s harder to grasp is that my kids have gotten used to living without me. The divorce has accelerated the inevitable separation of parent and child. This is the most heartbreaking of all the consequences of my decision. The time I have with my kids has been cut in half. I miss the kids.
I’ve had the hardest three years of my life. That is for sure. And I’m almost speechless trying to put into words why I would choose this path again if I were in the same situation. Even saying out loud that I would choose it again is a mind-blowing experience. I’m either in the middle of a revelation as we speak, or I’ve lost my goddamn mind. Why would anyone break up their family and put their kids through such heartbreak? Simply put, I had to. There’s a laundry list of situations that lead me to my decision, which I’m not prepared to get into now, so I’ll sum it up with one word. It’s called eggshells. And I couldn’t possibly walk on them for another 20 years. That’s why.
I’m working on coming to terms with my new reality. How do I “accept” this loss that I’ve chosen? How do I make the most of my new life? I think this is how I do it: I trust that I made the best decision I could knowing I spent years and years considering it. I turn to gratitude for the time I have with my kids and I make it the best; I don’t take any of it for granted. When the kids and I are together, we truly treasure our time. I have them half time and ironically, I feel 100% closer to them. Our relationships have never been stronger. And without dwelling on the past, I use those memories to remind myself how unhappy I was. I thrive in the thought that I’m in control of the atmosphere in my home and I focus my energy on making it peaceful and really fucking fun.
I try not to offer advice unless I’m asked for it directly, but because you’re still reading I’ll assume you’re willing to listen. Referring to my sentence above about deciding what you can tolerate and making the most of, that’s what it comes down to. If you’re thinking about divorce, your marriage isn’t great. My advice to you is that you first realize that life is hard no matter what. There’s no easy button for marriage. Second, you have to decide if it’s worth the hard work it will take to save your marriage and your family. If you don’t think it is, consider the consequences of leaving. Either way will be hard. Which way will be less hard is for you to decide. Take your time.
I want to add this: just because I’m writing about my loss, doesn’t make it worse than the loss others may experience. I would never compare my loss to the loss of a loved one, especially a child. Please don’t misinterpret my expression of sadness as me saying my loss is harder than yours. I’m simply sharing my experience in hopes of moving forward and to possibly help someone else understand what divorce might be like for them.