Resentment – by Request

Tara/ November 14, 2020/ OLDER STUFF

This is my first ever requested blog topic – and it’s a good one. Thank you to my dear friend who made the suggestion. I hope I make you proud.

Merriam-Webster on resentment: “a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury.”

Ahh resentment – the old sting and shameful reminder that relationships can be complicated. I’ve spent the last several weeks thinking about this persistent anguish. It’s probably something that most of us carry around, like a heavy bag we can’t set down. Kinda like my purse – yeah, it’s heavy. And I can’t figure out why. Sometimes it’s so heavy that I’ll empty it out on the table, thinking there has to be a rock in there somewhere, or a water bottle, or at least a couple rotten bananas – nope, just my regular stuff. That’s the feeling of resentment – heavy, without being able to pinpoint exactly what’s causing the weight.

The word “resent” is one of those verbs that is also a feeling. It’s special that way – much like “love” or “hate.” Analyzing resentment isn’t hard for me. I too resent a few people – and it’s annoying, because I can’t always put my finger on why I feel like shit around them. The resentment I have is not dissimilar to the same resentment I’m helping my friend with by writing this. When I think about feelings as complicated as resentment, I like to make sure that what I’m feeling is in fact what I think it is. I like to use deductive reasoning in my analysis. I compare and rule out other similar feelings, which helps me get to the root of the problem.

Right or wrong, I’m attempting to generalize resentment. I realize that it comes in many shapes and sizes, but in order to address resentment as a whole, I’ll focus on the commonality and origin of the feelings. We need to talk about the deep-seated shit, none of those one-off situations. This way we can address resentment in its truest form. It isn’t anger. It isn’t injustice. It isn’t sadness. Ironically, the resentful relationships I’m thinking of are in fact, no longer in existence. So I ask, what makes this such a powerful feeling?

I’ve narrowed it down to two things: patterns of behavior and denial of that behavior. Let me explain. Deep-seated resentment builds slowly over time, sometimes without us even realizing it. It’s the perpetuation of consistent behavior that creates a pattern of often incidental drama. Each time we feel slighted, the friendship flame is dampened. Each time we’re mistreated, the love is replaced with distrust. Every time we ask ourselves “who does that?” or “why do they make me feel like shit?” is when we add a brick to the wall.

Oftentimes, we don’t acknowledge that resentment is building with each occurrence of mistreatment, which only increases its power over time. And each occurrence brings with it a more intense reaction.

When these patterns develop is when the bitterness grows. It could be minor incidents of exclusion or inconsideration, or more dramatic episodes of attention-seeking behavior and emotional abuse. It could be repeatedly dismissing your feelings or a complete lack of consideration. Maybe it’s a dominating behavior like narcissism that permanently changes a family dynamic – or a parasitic relationship that constantly takes advantage of you.

It doesn’t really matter what the behavior is, it is the accumulation of those individual moments of anger, mistreatment, injustice and sadness that create the resentment – and because the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, resentment becomes worse than each of those moments individually. As each one occurs, you see them as isolated. This is why it can be hard to recognize the growing resentment. It’s sneaky that way, making it difficult to spot the pattern until it’s too late. Even if you think you’re addressing each moment as it happens, resentment can build as a result of the endless recurrence and lack of acknowledgement.

It couldn’t be more complicated, this thing we call resentment. And it’s manipulative – because sometimes it uses love to disguise the growing bitterness. Loving a person you resent makes seeing their manipulation even harder. But even if the mistreatment is identified in your loved one, oftentimes their behavior is out of your control. Still, when you love them, you find yourself repeatedly trying to figure it out and to manage it – as if you can control it. That perpetuates the frustration. To make matters worse, sometimes the behavior of a loved one brings with it a certain sense of responsibility to fix it. That can create resentment in itself.

Is anyone following me or have I just revealed more of my arbitrary deep thoughts and called it a blog? Stay with me; let’s see if I can salvage this post…

We’ve established what resentment is, now what? First, identify that your feeling is in fact resentment – otherwise it will continue to haunt you with over-blown minor incidents. It will become harder and harder, as time goes on, to separate individual incidents for what they are when the cloud of resentment hovers over them. It can turn you into the “crazy” one as your pain grows out of control, having been triggered by insignificant events.

Try to recognize the source of the resentment. When did it begin? What was the first incident of behavior that started the pattern? Take some accountability for your role in the turmoil. Did you enable it? Did it start as jealousy? For me, I can answer “yes” and “yes” to those questions when I think of two different relationships where I have resentment. That’s huge for me. Huge.

Once you have identified your feelings and their source, use deductive reasoning to eliminate that which you cannot change or control. This is how I do it: I start by acknowledging that the past cannot be changed; I empathize with my transgressor and with my “old” self; I put myself in the shoes of the person I resent and ask this: Did they intentionally hurt me? Did they even know I was hurting – did I tell them? Were they aware of their behavior? Would I have done what they did in the same situation? How did I contribute to the resentment? I answer these questions honestly.

Next, I look for comfort and forgiveness in knowing that I did the best I could during those moments. I acknowledge that I have grown and that I can’t change the past. I forgive my transgressor and I let go of the effort to control them by releasing myself of the responsibility to change them and to change the situation. I go back to the years when resentment was building and I try to see the full picture of my life at that time. I was a young mother and wife with hopes and dreams of creating a family and building a community that I was proud of. We had enjoyed summers of more fun than I thought imaginable and had the love of a life most people only dream of. Yes, I can also remember moments, days and even weeks of anger, frustration and sadness that cloud those times – and it’s evident now, that resentment was growing back then. Would I change the hope and optimism with which I saw my life at that time? No. Would I change the experience that my kids had growing up in a safe and beautiful home, and in a fun and exciting community? No. Would I have upended an otherwise perfect life because of the occasional mistreatment? Probably not.

Recognizing that you have resentment can create more emotion in itself. Realizing that you were mistreated for years can be devastating – and specifically, that you allowed the mistreatment for years. This can create additional anger, sadness, and shame – it can feel like you were “played” and that your kindness was taken for granted. I’ve found myself thinking “things could have been perfect” if people weren’t so oblivious to the feelings of others – or if I had at least called them out on it. Sometimes I just wish that the “party of the Universe*” could have continued forever. Oh well.

There comes a time when you must forgive in order to move forward. I have to forgive myself for contributing to the resentment by tolerating mistreatment and repetitive disregard in one relationship. In another, I release myself from the responsibility of making someone else happy. In both relationships, I remember that tolerance and continued hope in a relationship are signs of integrity. I keep in mind that I stayed in the relationships for a reason. I had hope for better days and more love. I remember the good times, and recognize others who benefited from the sacrifice of staying in the relationships – the kids.

To my friend, you too sacrificed. There is no shame in keeping the peace when the benefits of tolerance outweigh the cost of turmoil. You hung in there when you needed to hang in, and you moved on when you needed to move on. Hold your head high.

It can be hard to identify a relationship that is destined for resentment – especially while you’re in it. It’s imperative to recognize patterns of behavior early in a relationship and to communicate your objection. Try to hold the mirror up to show them that they have not considered your feelings. Be aware of developing patterns and address issues as they arise, so you don’t end up being the one to blame when you flip your shit. Communicate early your disapproval of their behavior – most people won’t want to be perpetrators of resentment, especially those we love and care for, so give them a chance to correct their behavior. Most importantly, don’t forget to be accountable by recognizing your role in the cycle. And also this: step back or move away when you need to.

*Party of the Universe was one party dubbed this infamous title by a dear friend of mine – and it was indeed the party of the Universe. But also, all of those summers collectively were very special. I made a promise to myself while writing this piece, that I will recreate the Party of the Universe someday. And it’s gonna be awesome!

Featured photo by Belinda Fewings