The Sensitive One
“You’re the most sensitive person I know,” they said.
The “S” Word
It wasn’t the first time I’d been called that word, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sting. “Sensitive” is one of those words in a category of words that’s been used to describe me: self-conscious, emotional, over reactive – all of them used to generalize my response. But there’s just something about the word “sensitive” that has me at my keyboard trying to express my feelings. I get caught off guard when I hear it, especially from certain people – people I respect and care about, people who should “get me.” I’m stunned into silence, so of course I didn’t respond the way I wanted to or should have in the moment. I never do.
I’ve always seen myself as strong, respected and self-sufficient – so being called sensitive feels like the opposite. It feels like I’m wearing a giant “S” on my shirt – a label, warning the world to tiptoe around my fragile feelings. That label definitely makes me doubt all of that strong and self-sufficient bullshit. God, I probably am the most sensitive person they know, I’m writing about it after all.
The Rub
So, why the rub? Why can’t I just accept that I might be the most sensitive person they know? For starters, there’s a difference between saying someone’s behavior is a certain way and saying they’re like that “all the time” or “more than anyone else.” And because it was said in the context of criticism, it feels like an insult. But more than that, labeling me in such a broad-brush way prevents me from being anything other than the “most sensitive person.” It prevents me from ever being able to express my feelings again for fear of proving them right. It makes me doubt my every hurt feeling and it makes me question my gut feelings – the gut feelings I often use to determine my self-worth and to set boundaries in relationships.
Such broad-brush labeling excuses the person doing the labeling from ever taking ownership of their behavior. They’re dealing with “the most sensitive person” in the world, so they assume I will never be happy no matter what they say.
“Stop being so sensitive” is code for “allow me to abuse you, gaslight you and/or disrespect your boundaries in peace.” @MrsBundrige
The Sunny Side of Sensitivity
This is the part where I take an insult about my personality and try to help you see that the only way to accept the traits we can’t control, is to look at them through rose-colored glasses – because the alternative is just depressing. Insults aside, I believe that being sensitive makes me kind – but just as my kindness has been mistaken for weakness, so has my sensitivity. Oftentimes my voice of concern and objection are mislabeled as sensitivity, when in fact it’s my way of calling out the craziness.
Yes, I’m sensitive, but my sensitivity is not my weakness. Instead, it is my strength. It’s the way I read people and situations – and it keeps me mindful. My sensitivity protects me and sometimes tells me to close the door on a relationship or to move away. It tells me when a person is not well-intended or at least faking their kindness. My internal antenna can hear intonation in voices that most people would never recognize – I know what people are really trying to say, regardless of their words, because I hear the true feelings in their voice.
The Antenna
The antenna is important to me when deciphering reciprocation. I wouldn’t dare find myself in a relationship that is not mutually valued. There’s almost nothing more difficult for me as a sensitive person, than to have an imbalance in a relationship that I hold dear. It’s in these relationships I value so much, that my sensitivity is especially triggered. It’s all about the “love bucket” – and when mine is running low, my sensitivity is off the charts. On the contrary, when it comes to people I’m not attached to, I’m not nearly as sensitive. So just know that if I’ve had my feelings hurt by you, it’s only because I care for you.
Being sensitive means that I naturally hold others to a higher standard of consideration and empathy. I believe I am thoughtful and inclusive because of my sensitivity. For better or worse, I expect the same from others – and this can make it difficult for some people to have a sensitive person like me in their life. Some people will end relationships with a sensitive person simply because they’re worried about hurting our feelings.
Responding to the Sensitive Ones
It’s not easy to love a sensitive person. Nevertheless, here are a few ways to make it easier. Start with empathy. Put yourself in their shoes. Ask yourself if you too would have been upset if your friends went on a trip without you or if your tone could have been perceived as condescending. Ask yourself if your behavior was inconsiderate. Next, communicate with us. Tell us that you didn’t mean to hurt our feelings, but that you understand why we would be hurt (even if you don’t.) Be compassionate – it’s that simple.
We sensitive people don’t always want to be sensitive – it’s just how we’re wired. It’s not always easy for us either. The challenge for us is to separate our sensitivity from insults by not taking things personally. We have to remind ourselves that our sensitivity is simply an antenna. It is not permission to become the victim, but rather, to raise our awareness in the relationship.
Sensitivity and Intuition
I had a conversation with a couple of friends recently that prompted this next analysis: the difference between sensitivity and intuition. Yes, they are different, but still beautifully interwoven.
My sensitivity heightens my intuition, because it adds emotion to my revelations. Sensitivity takes a gut feeling and makes it important. Obviously, intuition can exist independent of sensitivity, but it may lack motivation if it is without empathy and sentiment – that’s where sensitivity comes in. Both are important and both are important to embrace. The same goes for sympathy and sensitivity. If I use those terms interchangeably, it’s because they coexist for me.
Simply put, I believe that being sensitive makes me more able to be sympathetic and better in touch with my intuition. It took nearly 49 years, but I’m finally starting to realize that my sensitivity is one of my greatest gifts – it makes me kind and it makes me empathetic, not to mention a better writer. It adds an interesting layer to my life.
My outer layer is sensitive, yes – and I am easily put off at first, but get to know me and you’ll find that I have a few tough layers as well. All of those layers collectively have guided me through some of the hardest times in my life – first, by raising my awareness, and then by helping me find courage to follow through with change.
We Are Not Alone
Anne Lamott wrote that she was “born extremely sensitive,” and I nearly shed a tear. I wanted to shout “I’m not alone!” Thank you, Anne. Dare I say that’s one reason why she’s such a phenomenal writer? It’s true that when your emotions are always bubbling up at the surface, they’re easier to identify and easier to grasp – the emotions are almost begging to be documented.
Listen up, my dearest, sensitive readers: you are not the only one. We are many. No longer shall we deny it – for we can be strong, we can be respected and we can be sensitive – all at the same time. We sensitive people cannot stop speaking up and expressing our feelings for fear of being called “the most sensitive person.” Our feelings are important, even if someone thinks we’re overreacting. The world needs sensitive people to sound the alarm and to raise their hands to injustices, no matter how small. Consider your sensitivity to be your bullshit antenna. Do not allow yourself to feel shame about having one of the most beautiful gifts a person can have.
Sensitivity is a Superpower
The giant “S” we’re wearing actually stands for “superpower.” Sensitivity is like a magnifying glass – it enables us to see all of the loss and all of the joy, up close. Feeling everything can be burdensome. It can also be beneficial.
It’s important that we embrace our sensitivity – even necessary. Imagine a world where everyone was kind, sensitive and sympathetic to one another and to their struggles. Then imagine the world we so often see today: the inconsiderate, harsh, asshole behavior out there; not giving others the benefit of the doubt; being apathetic instead of empathetic to a friend’s struggle; it’s the judgement.
Let us learn to love this often criticized quality of ours. Let us learn to embrace the naturally elevated vibration we possess. We need to prove to the world that all people can benefit from a little sensitivity and remove the insult from this title by not taking things so personally. Let us use our superpower to spread empathy and kindness.
Wear your sensitive label with pride. Find a few special people who “get you” and who see your sensitivity as endearing, even lovely. Then, take your superpower and conquer the world.
Yes, I am sensitive, but I am also pretty badass. Yo.