Unabandon Me
Sometimes I look back at the person I used to be – at the person I was before my divorce. Sometimes it is with pride, but oftentimes I cringe remembering the unnecessary stress and anxiety I created for myself. The thought of my old ways can cause my nose to wrinkle and my head to shake with embarrassment.
“Goddamnit, Tara” I think.
I just wish I had handled certain situations differently. I wish I had been less insecure and better at listening to my inner voice. I wish I had taken the time to hear Tabitha sooner. She was telling me all along that I deserved better. She knew that feeling like shit is not normal or healthy. I should have flipped the table over long ago.
All of Me
Tabitha is still alive inside of me – so is my inner-child, my former-self and the future me – all at the same time. I am everything I have ever done, everything I have said and everything I have yet to do. I am all of the “right” things that have happened to me and I am all of the “wrong” things. I am the good and the bad I have experienced. I am the joy and I am the sadness. I am all of my mistakes.
But as much as I cringe at some of my previous behavior, I am also at peace with it. I accept that I cannot change the past, and instead I look at my mistakes as if I am looking at my children – with unconditional love. Part of my growth is accepting myself today, tomorrow and yesterday. I look back and read my story with compassion and empathy, because even though I may be different now, I recognize the pain of those years as a reminder that sometimes life is hard. I read my story as if I’m reading the story of a dear friend. And I will not abandon her.
Beat Me Up
I have not always been this kind to myself. You see, I have a track record for abandoning myself – the result of having been a pleaser and a perfectionist for quite a while. When I let society’s rules dictate my behavior and expectations cloud my judgment, I let myself down. I abandoned myself by carrying the burden of disappointing others and keeping the peace.
Some of us have really beaten up ourselves over mistakes we’ve made in our past – we have been good at carrying a lot of guilt and shame. This type of abandonment shows up as self-destruction, loss of self-worth and regret. This kind of self-abandonment is the opposite of self-love.
Too many times I sacrificed my own happiness for the happiness of others. I let others impose their rules on me and I prioritized the social ladder over my inner peace by not embracing the introvert in me.
When a social introvert finds herself in a socially pressured lifestyle, it creates a constant internal battle. She is forever faced with choosing her friends or choosing herself – because there’s just no way to give both the attention they need. Living in fear of being forgotten for missing too many events creates a very difficult choice: choose herself and she loses the friends; choose the friends and she loses herself. Either way she is abandoned.
Unabandonment
Self-abandonment looks like this: not embracing our whole selves, placing the happiness of others above our own, begging to be included, apologizing too often, groveling, enabling others to control us, allowing others to gaslight us and not setting boundaries with toxic people.
To reverse the self-abandonment, or to “unabandon” ourselves, as I like to say, is to forgive ourselves for the past mistakes we’ve made. It is to recognize them, learn the lesson and embrace the experience as growth. To unabandon ourselves is more than just an antonym of abandonment. It is to make a deliberate effort to reverse the abandonment we have bestowed upon ourselves. It is to find unconditional love for ourselves and most importantly, it is to deliberately choose ourselves.
Unabandonment is when I love the old me and all of her insecurities. It is when I forgive myself no matter what I did. Unabandonment is to relinquish myself of guilt and shame. And it is to embrace my introvert-self as an interesting, kind and empathetic layer of my very complicated personality.
Own It
Unabandonment is not possible without first taking accountability. I have apologized for the hurtful things I have done and said – and Lord knows, I have faced my consequences. I accept that my actions have indeed, hurt people – and for that I am accountable and sorry. I understand that sometimes others will be hurt, unintentionally, as I discover my personal revolution. For a people-pleaser, this is difficult. Knowing I have hurt people makes my head hang low – sometimes.
But I cannot and will not grovel, for there is a balance to be found in forgiveness – and groveling is not part of it. No longer do I need the forgiveness of others. And hanging weight on their forgiveness is wasted energy. I relinquish myself from the expectation of receiving forgiveness. I forgive myself and that’s what matters. This is my unabandonment.
Tomorrow
The same goes for my future-self. I am not perfect and I am certain to make mistakes tomorrow. I give myself a pass to say and do things that are not perfect. I have already forgiven myself for the things I have yet to do, because I trust that I am conscientious, kind and considerate, regardless of the outcome.
To unabandon ourselves is to embrace it all: our past, our present and our future selves. It is knowing that our mistakes do not define us. It is forgiving the mistakes we’ve already made – and those we haven’t.
I will not abandon myself – not in the past, not now, not in the future – not ever. I accept my decisions and the consequences of those decisions – for it is all part of my growth and my revolution. It is all part of me and I will forever unabandon me.